MySpace Loser of the Day Bonanza and Some Real Talk.

I hate LA.

I've always had a distaste for it, and after witnessing it first hand when I went to visit friends there a few years back I was sure. Sure New York is gritty and dirty sometimes, but the LA grime is so much worse than NYC's gscumbaggery. It's got a seedy, desperate, plasticky quality to it that we will never be able to duplicate. At least New York does a halfway decent job of painting on a facade of economic equality and harmony between the classes. In LA, there are three types of people: the super wealthy and entitled who get chaffeured to their homes in the hills; the desperate artists/actors/musicians/models/dancers who are barely making ends meet doing odd jobs; and the homeless, the masses of them huddled into parking lots and Skid Row who are largely ignored and treated like scummy strays.

Let's return to that first category. The rich of LA and the surrounding area (like the OC, blech) are basically spoiled bitches who were entrusted massive amounts of wealth from their hard-working parents and grandparents. Since most present day residents are second or third generation inheritants, they've already established a standard of complete disregard for tact, class, humility, gratitude and hard work. Their spokespeople are the children of the grotesquely wealthy, lazy little shits who are only famous for being ostentatious and spoiled. The Davises, the cast of Laguna Beach, the Simpsons, the Jenners, Lindsay Lohan, the Hiltons, Britney, Nicole Richie, Kim Kardashian... What do all these people have in common? First, they all seem to have the IQ of a housefly, and unabashedly wear their stupidity like a badge of honor. They exercise only the most irresponsible types of behavior and make displays of their loose morals and drug use... (Not that there is anything wrong with those things, but I keep it in my bedroom.)

Let's take for example that dumb bitch Paris Hilton. God, I can't stand that moronic hoebag. What has she done that has had any type of positive impact on the world? I'm not even talking about charity, I'm talking about any kind of contribution to humanity or society at large. Let's pretend for a second that she has an actual career. The Simple Life? Yeah, that was a gem. One in which she showed her intellect and compassion. Her crappy book co-written (I mean ghostwritten) by a columnist? That's all about how to be more of an annoying demanding princess? Good luck with that Booker Prize, you retarded slut. What about her movies? "The Hottie and the Nottie," "National Lampoon's Pledge This!" and "Bottoms Up..." All sure to be Oscra contenders this year. Now let's analyze the other facets of this prissy slutface. Thanks to our friends at ParisExposed (not to disregard a lifetime career of idioticism), we can now compile that she is a) a frequent drug user, b) a racist, c) an Anti-Semite, d) a complete idiot, e) a herpes carrier, f) a liar liar pants on fire, g) an immoral tramp, and h) a prolific amateur pornographer. Yeah, Paris's pants ain't exactly Fort Knox. On top of everything, she routinely looks like a bag of smelly ass with Ed Hardy's vomit all over her and a wonky eye.

Yet how is it that she perpetually gets media coverage? I understand that at this point the publicity and her whores-in-waiting has essentially been boiled down to people making fun of her and reporting on her indiscriminate antics. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Dlisted, but I am starting to believe that all the press she and the rest of the Hollywood Libertine Brigade get is fairly dangerous to the youth of America. If you go on Paris Hilton's MySpace page, the comments section is riddled with notes from her adoring female fans, twelve and thirteen-year-olds gushing to the effect of, "OMG, Paris, you are my idol, I wanna be just like you when I grow up." How is that not alarming? Thankfully I don't believe in children, but if God forbid I have a daughter, and she declares that she is a Paris Hilton fan, guess what. Her little ass is getting beaten nine ways to Sunday.

So, parents of America, I have a proposal for you. If your daughters so much as offer an inkling of admiration for one of these entitled call girls, please do as your parents did and utilize the switch. Do not spare the rod. And... One more suggestion. How is this young lady for a role model for America's youth?

(photo courtesy of Perez Hilton)

America Ferrera is beautiful. Sure, she's a little bit of a fat ass, but she's got a gorgeous face and big pretty boobies. On top of that, she is an accomplished actress at a very young age, and is currently in college studying for a double degree business program. (Sidebar: Paris Hilton dropped out of high school and made a sex tape instead.) She is intelligible and well-spoken, she doesn't have an ear-grating catchphrase, and she's never made porn. She's in a relationship with only one dude, they don't live together and she's open about her sexuality but not to the point where you know what her cooch looks like. She drops the occasional F- or S-bomb here and there, yet is still able to talk to Barbara Walters coherently. Lastly, she's friendly, cute, and likeable.

Can you say ANY of those things about Paris Hilton? No? Just ONE of those things?


Fuck those stupid bitches.
America is awesome. (Insert Trey Stone saying "fuck yeeeeah" here)
Please. Tell your niece about her and strap her to the couch when Ugly Betty is on.
Please? Thanks.





And, just to reaffirm that idiots exist on every plane of famousness....
Here are some new MySpace Losers for you.

Enjoy and revel in your normalcy!

1) Boo loves her some chocolate. Check out her sons' names.
2) David flexes for Jesus. Jesus and his GTO.
3) Oscar is the worst kind of gay. He perpetuates everything I wrote about above.
4) Masumi is basically my nightmare come to life.