Reality Check Friday
I had a physical on Wednesday.
I haven't had a physical in years. And while I was worried that my results would reveal just how much all the cheeseburgers and booze and sleeplessness have affected my health, the ante was significantly upped when my super-hot Asian lady doctor said, "sooooooooo... do you also wanna get tested for STDs?"
Now... I am very responsible. I categorically don't believe in unprotected sex, I'm not a huge slut, and I'm generally uncomfortable sleeping with strangers, so I pretty much have nothing to worry about. But I knew that it was high time I'd gotten tested, and I tend to be on the worrisome side of life and I think about it all the God damn time, usually followed by a cold sweat and hand shaking. So when my hottie Asian asked, I timidly accepted.
Imagine the needle on my panic radar when I found out that the day that I am supposed to get my results, today, is World AIDS Day.
I crapped my pants.
I CRAAAAAAAAPPED MY PAAAAAAAAAAANTS.
At around 11AM my worry got the better of me and I called the office. "Hi, I was supposed to get my results today, I was just wondering if they were in yet."
Dead silence, the kind that's the audible equivalent of a cold hard stare.
"Last name? Yeah, your results are in, but only a doctor can read them to you. Hottie Huang will have to call you personally." (You bitch, bitch, you stupid fucking bitch. Whore, whore, bitch, whore, I hate you, stupid slut bitch.)
"OK, could you just let her know that I am shitting my pants and to call me back as soon as possible?"
"Uh huh." Click. (Stupid whore bitch whore.)
Followed by the most excrutiating five hours of my mother humping LIFE. Is it really necessary to make people wait with baited anticipation? Seriously. If she's not going to call me back right away, just LIE to me and tell me that they're not in yet, rather than letting me think that she's taking her sweet ass time because she's bracing herself to give me some really awful news and trying to find her herpes pamphlets. How hard is that, you fucking cunt of a receptionist? Needless to say, the beautiful Dr. Huang called me today, and in her lilting voice like swan song confirmed what I already knew, which is that not only am I STD-free, my cholesterol is extremely low and my urine is the cleanest she has tested in months. With that stamp of a clean bill of health, I hung up the phone and immediately started bawling with relief (like a bitch).
The point is this: now that my uncontrollable crying and twitching has subsided, the sense of disarm and peace of mind I feel is truly unparallel. I am so so so excited to sleep like a baby tonight, not tossing and turning at the hands of my restless mind. People, please. PLEASE. For the love of God. It's World AIDS Day, and this year's theme just happens to be "Accountability." HIV and AIDS are no longer a death sentence if treated, and it is your responsibility to stop the spread if at all possible. Please go get tested. Seriously. Take it from me - the relief you will feel is absolutely positively priceless. Please, with a cherry on top. Thanks.
HIV Test Site Locator for the U.S.
LabSafe - International Mail-in Testing
Worldwide Testing Resources
I haven't had a physical in years. And while I was worried that my results would reveal just how much all the cheeseburgers and booze and sleeplessness have affected my health, the ante was significantly upped when my super-hot Asian lady doctor said, "sooooooooo... do you also wanna get tested for STDs?"
Now... I am very responsible. I categorically don't believe in unprotected sex, I'm not a huge slut, and I'm generally uncomfortable sleeping with strangers, so I pretty much have nothing to worry about. But I knew that it was high time I'd gotten tested, and I tend to be on the worrisome side of life and I think about it all the God damn time, usually followed by a cold sweat and hand shaking. So when my hottie Asian asked, I timidly accepted.
Imagine the needle on my panic radar when I found out that the day that I am supposed to get my results, today, is World AIDS Day.
I crapped my pants.
I CRAAAAAAAAPPED MY PAAAAAAAAAAANTS.
At around 11AM my worry got the better of me and I called the office. "Hi, I was supposed to get my results today, I was just wondering if they were in yet."
Dead silence, the kind that's the audible equivalent of a cold hard stare.
"Last name? Yeah, your results are in, but only a doctor can read them to you. Hottie Huang will have to call you personally." (You bitch, bitch, you stupid fucking bitch. Whore, whore, bitch, whore, I hate you, stupid slut bitch.)
"OK, could you just let her know that I am shitting my pants and to call me back as soon as possible?"
"Uh huh." Click. (Stupid whore bitch whore.)
Followed by the most excrutiating five hours of my mother humping LIFE. Is it really necessary to make people wait with baited anticipation? Seriously. If she's not going to call me back right away, just LIE to me and tell me that they're not in yet, rather than letting me think that she's taking her sweet ass time because she's bracing herself to give me some really awful news and trying to find her herpes pamphlets. How hard is that, you fucking cunt of a receptionist? Needless to say, the beautiful Dr. Huang called me today, and in her lilting voice like swan song confirmed what I already knew, which is that not only am I STD-free, my cholesterol is extremely low and my urine is the cleanest she has tested in months. With that stamp of a clean bill of health, I hung up the phone and immediately started bawling with relief (like a bitch).
The point is this: now that my uncontrollable crying and twitching has subsided, the sense of disarm and peace of mind I feel is truly unparallel. I am so so so excited to sleep like a baby tonight, not tossing and turning at the hands of my restless mind. People, please. PLEASE. For the love of God. It's World AIDS Day, and this year's theme just happens to be "Accountability." HIV and AIDS are no longer a death sentence if treated, and it is your responsibility to stop the spread if at all possible. Please go get tested. Seriously. Take it from me - the relief you will feel is absolutely positively priceless. Please, with a cherry on top. Thanks.
HIV Test Site Locator for the U.S.
LabSafe - International Mail-in Testing
Worldwide Testing Resources
posted by Attica Wolfcastle, Esq. at 12:54 PM
5 Comments:
Damn, funny and inspiring!
Nice.
Just so you know..teh aids test is only accurate prior to the last 6 months. So if you have had teh sex0r in the last 6 months u might have teh aids.
Thank you. Viable medical information is particularly trustworthy coming from someone who has the spelling skills of a kindergartener.
my AIDS test fiasco
the EXACT same thing happened to me...
minus the crapping in my pants.
the next time i went to the doctor, i looked in my file while i was waiting, because i wanted to know what was so hard about a nurse not being able to read "positive" OR "negative".
let me be the one to tell you that those results are UBER coded.
nothing made sense to me when i looked at it, but who i am?
just call me dr. do nothing.
...but you'd think after seeing so many of those results come in and out, the nurse would be able to read them...
RIGHT?
hmm...
don't worry babe, the more you get tested the easier they get.... ummm yea...
helpful tip: do not look inside the gonorrhea pamphlet or you will never be able to eat guacamole again.
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